Support or Not?

Tomorrow is causing me no end of stress, anxiety and agitation and it's really getting me down just thinking about it. With all of the bad publicity that ATOS has had over the past 5 years or more I'm dreading attending the assessment. My GP doesn't think I'm in the right mental state to be working at present and neither does my therapist nor my counsellor and with the amount of time I have to spend in different sessions trying to get control over my mental health I don't have time to work at the same time and doubt any employer would permit me time out every few days to attend these sessions. I look forward to the day I can be back amongst others who are employed but at present my mental illnesses don't make that a viable prospect. 

I'm so tense and agitated I haven't been able to sleep much at all. I just want supporting until I recover and am able to have some sort of normality back in my life which has been the goal for at least 5 years but is still such a long way off. I have made significant ground since I first started suffering but there is still a long way until the end unless an alternative ending occurs in the mean time and I often get so stressed and depressed that I think of creating my own ending (and have attempted a few times in the past few months alone - which I'm not proud of). I just hope that I am assessed properly so I can continue to make my way towards overcoming or at least managing my mental health.




16/04/2013

Depression Questionnaire (PHQ9):
Your Depression Score is 27/27

Anxiety Questionnaire (GAD7):
Your Anxiety Score is 21/21

Mortal Kombat?

Is waking up feeling as though you have a full on Mortal Kombat tournament going on inside you normal or even healthy? It's a feeling I have inside constantly and that has been there for as long as I can remember. I always thought it was normal but I'm increasing thinking it's not because it's recently been making me feel rather ill.

Different therapists have talked to me about it and have had conflicting views. Some have said "it isn't normal" whilst others have taken the approach "who is to say what is normal". Personally I don't care either way I just know that I don't like the way it feels and never have done. I don't like feeling torn up and twisted inside as if something is ripping out part of me. The more anxious and stressed I get the worse it gets but decreasing stress and anxiety doesn't get rid of it. It's only by picking up a knife and cutting myself that I seem to get any release from it and even then it's just for a short time.

Recent disagreements and misunderstandings with family hasn't helped but hopefully that is in the past now. I just hope that the behavioural therapy will somehow be able to help me beat this. It just seems such a long way off and such a huge uphill struggle with everything else that needs overcoming and dealing with on the way. Considering I've been doing this now for at least 3 years it doesn't seem to get any easier and the pressure on me to get everything sorted as quick as possible makes it almost impossible to see a way forward. Being lumbered with additional stress whilst trying to overcome depression and stress is not a very effective combination but it seems to be what you have to put up with whether you want it or not.



01/11/2012

Depression Questionnaire (PHQ9):
Your Depression Score is 27/27

Anxiety Questionnaire (GAD7):
Your Anxiety Score is 21/21