So I finally got a letter for my first Inclusion Matters appointment. Hopefully the wait has been worth it and it will give me some help and guidance in dealing with my mental health and anxiety issues. It's only a shame that my anxiety has gone through the roof since receiving my appointment. I don't know how I'm going to cope with getting to the appointment. Here's hoping I can fight through this and turn up. Roll on January 21st!
17/01/2015
Depression Questionnaire (PHQ9):
Your Depression Score is 27/27
Anxiety Questionnaire (GAD7):
Your Anxiety Score is 21/21
Showing posts with label depression. Show all posts
Showing posts with label depression. Show all posts
Saturday, 17 January 2015
Wednesday, 15 January 2014
Life Is Just Manipulative Hokum
I haven't posted anything on my blog for a while. I haven't been mentally or emotionally up to it or anything else for that matter.
Events of the past few years have lead to me coming to a stark realisation that my whole life up to 2013 has been a whole mass of messed up lies and manipulation. This has resulted in me entering the darkest and lowest phase of my life to date.
Attempted suicides and self-injury have played a huge part in my life and has been much more intense over the past few months. Nothing seems to help. Being referred for help from the local mental health service, Inclusion Matters, is all well and good but when the person who is meant to deal with my area is never available then my referrals are just stopped in their tracks.
I have no idea how I'm supposed to move forward from this. Those that are paid to help seem unwilling to do so and there are less and less people I can trust let alone look to for help. Everything I thought and was taught was right and true was all just manipulative hokum devised by those who I was lead to believe loved and cared about me.
I feel trapped, lost, abandoned and alone. Ending things seems the best option unless another unlikely solution rears it's head.
15/01/2013
Depression Questionnaire (PHQ9):
Your Depression Score is 27/27
Anxiety Questionnaire (GAD7):
Your Anxiety Score is 21/21
Events of the past few years have lead to me coming to a stark realisation that my whole life up to 2013 has been a whole mass of messed up lies and manipulation. This has resulted in me entering the darkest and lowest phase of my life to date.
Attempted suicides and self-injury have played a huge part in my life and has been much more intense over the past few months. Nothing seems to help. Being referred for help from the local mental health service, Inclusion Matters, is all well and good but when the person who is meant to deal with my area is never available then my referrals are just stopped in their tracks.
I have no idea how I'm supposed to move forward from this. Those that are paid to help seem unwilling to do so and there are less and less people I can trust let alone look to for help. Everything I thought and was taught was right and true was all just manipulative hokum devised by those who I was lead to believe loved and cared about me.
I feel trapped, lost, abandoned and alone. Ending things seems the best option unless another unlikely solution rears it's head.
15/01/2013
Depression Questionnaire (PHQ9):
Your Depression Score is 27/27
Anxiety Questionnaire (GAD7):
Your Anxiety Score is 21/21
Saturday, 8 June 2013
Happy Kitty
Jasper is eating much better now he has had time to realise he is king of this house. He is savouring his food and no longer gets edgy looking for his bully of a brother. He has really come out of his shell and seems much happier than I've ever seen him. He is enjoying the new environment outside and has made some new friends and enemies in the local cat community which is thriving where we live. It is so great to see him so happy and chirpy. I've missed him being like this.
It's things like this that make life worth living.
09/04/2013
Depression Questionnaire (PHQ9):
Your Depression Score is 19/27
Anxiety Questionnaire (GAD7):
Your Anxiety Score is 18/21
It's things like this that make life worth living.
09/04/2013
Depression Questionnaire (PHQ9):
Your Depression Score is 19/27
Anxiety Questionnaire (GAD7):
Your Anxiety Score is 18/21
Wednesday, 22 May 2013
Bullying: Pets And Family
Jasper seems to be settling in well in his new home. He doesn't seem to be missing his brother at all, or the dogs or anyone else. In fact he seems to be enjoying the freedom he has to do whatever he wants without anyone or anything stopping him.
It seems at our last home his brother was bullying him as I had suspected. When he is eating he has been getting edgy thinking his brother is going to come and push him out the way and steal his food. Hopefully in time he'll settle down and realise no one is going to take his food or toys or anything off him.
My parents have shown their disapproval of my moving out. They bought a house and rented it to me and my sister. I didn't ask them to and I was lead to believe it would be a more beneficial situation than I was in at the time. You don't expect your own family to give you bad advice so I was happy to move believing it would be a step in the right direction for my life and my health. It was for the first year but then after a few disagreements and constant meddling it got too much.
I got fed up of the way I was being treated by them, the dogs, my sister and the numerous others that constantly roamed the house. It never really felt like it was my home. I was made to feel like I was staying in someone's house. Being on benefits meant that my parents expected me to clean up after everyone in the house including 2 dogs that loved to pee and poop wherever they chose to. My room was so cramped I could barely walk around it for lack of space due to everything I had brought from my previous home. There was also the constant threat from my dad that I would have to move my stuff that I had downstairs in the communal areas and find an alternative place for it (in other words my already overflowing room or the bin). I should have stayed put in the flat I was in before this. At least there I had space to move, privacy and control over who was coming and going. So I got in touch with the council and applied for social housing. It happened so fast and I think the fact that the council were disgusted when I told them my parents expected me to clean up after everyone else went in my favour as well as my health problems.
I moved out whilst my mum and sister where on holiday and my dad was doing work somewhere. I couldn't get in touch with any of them easily so couldn't inform them. They seemed rather unhappy with this yet I had already discussed it a few weeks earlier with my mum so it's not like they didn't know what was going to happen.
I was going to visit them when they got back from their holiday, on my dad's birthday. A few days before I was to go and see them I received a text from my sister that was completely uncalled for and irrelevant. It allowed me to see the mood that they would be in and what would no doubt happen if I was to go and see them. At my age I'm not going to go down to see my parents only to be shouted at and treated like a child which from past experience I know would have happened. My family don't seem to be able to talk things through they just shout a lot and nothing gets sorted.
It seems however that they aren't so much bothered about me or the fact I moved out instead they are more fixated on the council tax palaver they have gotten themselves messed up with. They got me messed up in it by asking me to try and straighten things out with the council. I tried the best I could but I couldn't do anything to fix the problem as it was my parents mistakes that lead the council to take the action they have done. Now I'm being bullied by my parents over something that is out of my control.
So much for the new stress free beginning in my new home.
09/04/2013
Depression Questionnaire (PHQ9):
Your Depression Score is 27/27
Anxiety Questionnaire (GAD7):
Your Anxiety Score is 21/21
It seems at our last home his brother was bullying him as I had suspected. When he is eating he has been getting edgy thinking his brother is going to come and push him out the way and steal his food. Hopefully in time he'll settle down and realise no one is going to take his food or toys or anything off him.
My parents have shown their disapproval of my moving out. They bought a house and rented it to me and my sister. I didn't ask them to and I was lead to believe it would be a more beneficial situation than I was in at the time. You don't expect your own family to give you bad advice so I was happy to move believing it would be a step in the right direction for my life and my health. It was for the first year but then after a few disagreements and constant meddling it got too much.
I got fed up of the way I was being treated by them, the dogs, my sister and the numerous others that constantly roamed the house. It never really felt like it was my home. I was made to feel like I was staying in someone's house. Being on benefits meant that my parents expected me to clean up after everyone in the house including 2 dogs that loved to pee and poop wherever they chose to. My room was so cramped I could barely walk around it for lack of space due to everything I had brought from my previous home. There was also the constant threat from my dad that I would have to move my stuff that I had downstairs in the communal areas and find an alternative place for it (in other words my already overflowing room or the bin). I should have stayed put in the flat I was in before this. At least there I had space to move, privacy and control over who was coming and going. So I got in touch with the council and applied for social housing. It happened so fast and I think the fact that the council were disgusted when I told them my parents expected me to clean up after everyone else went in my favour as well as my health problems.
I moved out whilst my mum and sister where on holiday and my dad was doing work somewhere. I couldn't get in touch with any of them easily so couldn't inform them. They seemed rather unhappy with this yet I had already discussed it a few weeks earlier with my mum so it's not like they didn't know what was going to happen.
I was going to visit them when they got back from their holiday, on my dad's birthday. A few days before I was to go and see them I received a text from my sister that was completely uncalled for and irrelevant. It allowed me to see the mood that they would be in and what would no doubt happen if I was to go and see them. At my age I'm not going to go down to see my parents only to be shouted at and treated like a child which from past experience I know would have happened. My family don't seem to be able to talk things through they just shout a lot and nothing gets sorted.
It seems however that they aren't so much bothered about me or the fact I moved out instead they are more fixated on the council tax palaver they have gotten themselves messed up with. They got me messed up in it by asking me to try and straighten things out with the council. I tried the best I could but I couldn't do anything to fix the problem as it was my parents mistakes that lead the council to take the action they have done. Now I'm being bullied by my parents over something that is out of my control.
So much for the new stress free beginning in my new home.
09/04/2013
Depression Questionnaire (PHQ9):
Your Depression Score is 27/27
Anxiety Questionnaire (GAD7):
Your Anxiety Score is 21/21
Monday, 13 May 2013
A New Beginning?
Today I officially move into my new home. It all happened so quickly. I didn't expect to be offered a new home so soon after signing up. Today I get to hopefully have a new beginning.
Gone is the foul smell of dog pee and poop, gone is the mould that was plaguing the bedroom wall, gone is the constant blame for things that others had done, gone is the lack of privacy and the feeling of not belonging. I give a huge welcome to peace and time to deal with my illness at my own pace without family trying to force me into things I'm not mentally or physically ready for. I can live without fear of my belongings being destroying by dogs and their fouling whilst their owner just laughs. I can enjoy living in my own space without anxiety of not knowing who or what is coming and going at all hours of the day and night. Never again will I make the mistake of a house share situation with family who don't give a damn about anyone but themselves and people I don't know. It was the worst time I've had in my life and any progress I had made with my illnesses was eradicated.
Hopefully going forward life will be worth living.
13/05/2013
Depression Questionnaire (PHQ9):
Your Depression Score is 20/27
Anxiety Questionnaire (GAD7):
Your Anxiety Score is 18/21
Gone is the foul smell of dog pee and poop, gone is the mould that was plaguing the bedroom wall, gone is the constant blame for things that others had done, gone is the lack of privacy and the feeling of not belonging. I give a huge welcome to peace and time to deal with my illness at my own pace without family trying to force me into things I'm not mentally or physically ready for. I can live without fear of my belongings being destroying by dogs and their fouling whilst their owner just laughs. I can enjoy living in my own space without anxiety of not knowing who or what is coming and going at all hours of the day and night. Never again will I make the mistake of a house share situation with family who don't give a damn about anyone but themselves and people I don't know. It was the worst time I've had in my life and any progress I had made with my illnesses was eradicated.
Hopefully going forward life will be worth living.
13/05/2013
Depression Questionnaire (PHQ9):
Your Depression Score is 20/27
Anxiety Questionnaire (GAD7):
Your Anxiety Score is 18/21
Wednesday, 17 April 2013
Assessment Done... Now To The Waiting
It's over and done for now. Now I Just have to wait on their decision which will be just as bad as the stress of the assessment. I can't wait for it to be over and done with. If it wasn't for the lack of empathy from my family I might have been able to cope better.
17/04/2013
Depression Questionnaire (PHQ9):
Your Depression Score is 27/27
Anxiety Questionnaire (GAD7):
Your Anxiety Score is 21/21
17/04/2013
Depression Questionnaire (PHQ9):
Your Depression Score is 27/27
Anxiety Questionnaire (GAD7):
Your Anxiety Score is 21/21
Tuesday, 9 April 2013
DWP, Ingeus, ATOS and Incompetance
After a week, lasting just 92 days, I finally get a new Ingeus appointment yet I still have no control of my life as it has been placed in the hands of people who are continually showing, despite them claiming the opposite, that they honestly don't care about me or my health problems. The only problem is on the same day I already have a hospital appointment to attend that I've been waiting seemingly forever for. It looks like I'll be waiting another "week" when I have to reschedule this new Ingeus appointment.
I also have to attend an ATOS assessment next Wednesday which has sent my already high levels of depression, anxiety, stress, and agitation through the roof whilst causing my mental state to crumble even further especially with all the publicity ATOS have had over their incompetence and their immoral view on people who are ill and disabled.
It seems that whilst I'm suffering with my mental health problems I'm at the mercy of the DWP and the companies of incompetence, no compassion and no common sense that they choose to use to abuse the vulnerable.
09/04/2013
Depression Questionnaire (PHQ9):
Your Depression Score is 27/27
Anxiety Questionnaire (GAD7):
Your Anxiety Score is 21/21
I also have to attend an ATOS assessment next Wednesday which has sent my already high levels of depression, anxiety, stress, and agitation through the roof whilst causing my mental state to crumble even further especially with all the publicity ATOS have had over their incompetence and their immoral view on people who are ill and disabled.
It seems that whilst I'm suffering with my mental health problems I'm at the mercy of the DWP and the companies of incompetence, no compassion and no common sense that they choose to use to abuse the vulnerable.
09/04/2013
Depression Questionnaire (PHQ9):
Your Depression Score is 27/27
Anxiety Questionnaire (GAD7):
Your Anxiety Score is 21/21
Tuesday, 19 March 2013
71 Days and Counting... That's A Long Week!
Still waiting for a new appointment from Ingeus to replace the one I had to cancel in January due to atrocious weather conditions.
"I'll send a new appointment out in the next week" was what I was told on 7th January 2013, it's now 19th March 2013. A week seems to last longer than 7 days when you are a company employed by the DWP it would seem (71 days so far). If this isn't further proof that I'm being messed about by them I don't know what is.
The whole thing is just making my mental state worse because I don't know what is going on with anything. I seem to spend my life waiting on people. I never know what is going on any more yet they want me to get better and back into work. How exactly is making my health worse going to achieve that?
19/03/2013
Depression Questionnaire (PHQ9):
Your Depression Score is 27/27
Anxiety Questionnaire (GAD7):
Your Anxiety Score is 21/21
Tuesday, 26 February 2013
Viruses Going, ATOS Anxiety Rising
The laryngitis seems to be subsiding hopefully I'll get my hearing back and get rid of the effects of these darn viruses.
Jasper had a huge lump on his head that looked like a boil or something similar and then it popped in a mass of blood. He seems fine and after it was cleaned up it has been healing well.
I hate the ATOS assessment forms. They know what's wrong with me but seem to need to know again every so often. I'm doing everything I can to get myself back to health and back to work but it will take time. I'm supposed to be getting help from Ingeus too yet they are always messing me about. Switching me from person to person without any real reason and without providing any actual help. It seems pointless.
26/02/2013
Depression Questionnaire (PHQ9):
Your Depression Score is 27/27
Anxiety Questionnaire (GAD7):
Your Anxiety Score is 21/21
Jasper had a huge lump on his head that looked like a boil or something similar and then it popped in a mass of blood. He seems fine and after it was cleaned up it has been healing well.
I hate the ATOS assessment forms. They know what's wrong with me but seem to need to know again every so often. I'm doing everything I can to get myself back to health and back to work but it will take time. I'm supposed to be getting help from Ingeus too yet they are always messing me about. Switching me from person to person without any real reason and without providing any actual help. It seems pointless.
26/02/2013
Depression Questionnaire (PHQ9):
Your Depression Score is 27/27
Anxiety Questionnaire (GAD7):
Your Anxiety Score is 21/21
Tuesday, 19 February 2013
Laryngitis
The tonsillitis has gone and been replaced with laryngitis. Darn illnesses won't leave me alone at the minute. Hopefully I'll soon be well enough to go and get my dental work done that's had to be put off since last year.
Hopefully my sister is having fun on holiday in Spain and hasn't taken any illness with her.
19/02/2013
Depression Questionnaire (PHQ9):
Your Depression Score is 27/27
Anxiety Questionnaire (GAD7):
Your Anxiety Score is 21/21
Hopefully my sister is having fun on holiday in Spain and hasn't taken any illness with her.
19/02/2013
Depression Questionnaire (PHQ9):
Your Depression Score is 27/27
Anxiety Questionnaire (GAD7):
Your Anxiety Score is 21/21
Tuesday, 12 February 2013
Tonsillitis
Had a blood test yesterday and I'm now increasingly getting more ill.
Tonsillitis isn't very nice and the cough is ridiculously painful.
Hopefully it'll pass soon.
12/02/2013
Depression Questionnaire (PHQ9):
Your Depression Score is 27/27
Anxiety Questionnaire (GAD7):
Your Anxiety Score is 21/21
Tonsillitis isn't very nice and the cough is ridiculously painful.
Hopefully it'll pass soon.
12/02/2013
Depression Questionnaire (PHQ9):
Your Depression Score is 27/27
Anxiety Questionnaire (GAD7):
Your Anxiety Score is 21/21
Saturday, 26 January 2013
Drained
The past few days have been a real pain in the ass. I have spent a huge amount of time barely able to keep myself awake. I have been completely drained. I haven't even been able to keep my eyes open at times as they hurt too much and my eyeballs have been red. At times i haven't had the energy to move and I lost my appetite. I haven't felt this agitated, angry and down for more than 3 years and I'm not sure what the cause is.
I can't stand my unpredictable flicking between moods at the best of times but the past week has been ridiculous. In the past week I've had more mood changes than I've had meals and the bad moods have been overly violent and aggressive.
I just hope that i can get some sort of normality back to my life and less mood changes over the coming week or so.
26/01/2013
Depression Questionnaire (PHQ9):
Your Depression Score is 27/27
Anxiety Questionnaire (GAD7):
Your Anxiety Score is 21/21
I can't stand my unpredictable flicking between moods at the best of times but the past week has been ridiculous. In the past week I've had more mood changes than I've had meals and the bad moods have been overly violent and aggressive.
I just hope that i can get some sort of normality back to my life and less mood changes over the coming week or so.
26/01/2013
Depression Questionnaire (PHQ9):
Your Depression Score is 27/27
Anxiety Questionnaire (GAD7):
Your Anxiety Score is 21/21
Tuesday, 1 January 2013
Happy New Year!
Happy New Year!
Hopefully the year ahead will prove to be much better than the one we've just left behind.
As one year transforms into the the next I can only hope that things will start to improve.
2012 was not a very good year for me physically, mentally, financially or emotionally.
2013 will hopefully see an improvement. Hopefully I can make the changes needed and continue getting the help I need to start to get my life back.
01/01/2013
Depression Questionnaire (PHQ9):
Your Depression Score is 27/27
Anxiety Questionnaire (GAD7):
Your Anxiety Score is 21/21
Hopefully the year ahead will prove to be much better than the one we've just left behind.
As one year transforms into the the next I can only hope that things will start to improve.
2012 was not a very good year for me physically, mentally, financially or emotionally.
2013 will hopefully see an improvement. Hopefully I can make the changes needed and continue getting the help I need to start to get my life back.
01/01/2013
Depression Questionnaire (PHQ9):
Your Depression Score is 27/27
Anxiety Questionnaire (GAD7):
Your Anxiety Score is 21/21
Tuesday, 25 December 2012
Happy Birthday Jesus!
Merry Christmas.
Whether you celebrate the commercial side of Christmas or the true meaning of Christmas hopefully you enjoy it with your loved ones and have a great time.
25/12/2012
Depression Questionnaire (PHQ9):
Your Depression Score is 24/27
Anxiety Questionnaire (GAD7):
Your Anxiety Score is 19/21
Whether you celebrate the commercial side of Christmas or the true meaning of Christmas hopefully you enjoy it with your loved ones and have a great time.
25/12/2012
Depression Questionnaire (PHQ9):
Your Depression Score is 24/27
Anxiety Questionnaire (GAD7):
Your Anxiety Score is 19/21
Tuesday, 18 December 2012
Ghostly Vale Park
Today I walked through Vale Park and attempted to take a photo as I thought the atmosphere and lighting was good. As I took the picture I managed to obscure it with my breath and got this ghostly effect. I think it looks pretty cool and there'd be no way I could ever do it again.
18/12/2012
Depression Questionnaire (PHQ9):
Your Depression Score is 25/27
Anxiety Questionnaire (GAD7):
Your Anxiety Score is 20/21
 |
| Walking through Vale Park |
18/12/2012
Depression Questionnaire (PHQ9):
Your Depression Score is 25/27
Anxiety Questionnaire (GAD7):
Your Anxiety Score is 20/21
Thursday, 13 December 2012
Jasper Sleeping
 |
| Jasper asleep on my chest whilst I'm in bed |
13/12/2012
Depression Questionnaire (PHQ9):
Your Depression Score is 23/27
Anxiety Questionnaire (GAD7):
Your Anxiety Score is 18/21
Thursday, 6 December 2012
Thursday, 29 November 2012
Belonging
Suffering with mental health problems has me never having the feeling of belonging anywhere. There is so much stigma towards disabilities and impairments and mental health sufferers are no different. From experience I know that my mental health problems have been belittled and derided. There are many times I am made to feel outcast and as though I'm just making it up or overreacting and over-thinking. It's horrible and makes me feel worse and does nothing to help. It's horrible to say but I sometimes wish these people would suffer the way I and many others do and see how they like it when they are ridiculed.
29/11/2012
Depression Questionnaire (PHQ9):
Your Depression Score is 27/27
Anxiety Questionnaire (GAD7):
Your Anxiety Score is 21/21
 |
| Patrick Murphy's brightly coloured pigeons entitled "Belonging" on display at the Walker Art Gallery, Liverpool |
29/11/2012
Depression Questionnaire (PHQ9):
Your Depression Score is 27/27
Anxiety Questionnaire (GAD7):
Your Anxiety Score is 21/21
Thursday, 22 November 2012
Thursday, 15 November 2012
Sylvester's Box
 |
| Sylvester in his comfy box with some Webbox Lick-e-Lix on his nose |
15/11/2012
Depression Questionnaire (PHQ9):
Your Depression Score is 27/27
Anxiety Questionnaire (GAD7):
Your Anxiety Score is 21/21
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